When we speak about honesty, especially in relationship, we often speak about lies. Big lies, small lies and how they affect the relationship. Over the past months the term Honesty has begun to take on new meaning for me. My mentor, Dr. Thomas Needham refers to the "journey of honesty" in therapy. What does that mean?
Often in therapy, clients come in for a particular symptom in need of relief and when they stick around long enough, they discover that the original problem was not the actual problem in need of work. This was my personal experience of therapy and continues to be to this day. That is why therapy can sometimes be an arduous and somewhat time consuming process.
Honesty is always something we want and need in our partners. But it is not only about lies, it is about a willingness to delve deeper into what are the real underlying issues. If we don't solve those underlying issues, the symptoms will just show themselves in unique and new ways. The honesty I am speaking about is something similar to humility. Having a relationship with someone that is not perfect but that is on a journey of honesty builds the trust necessary to build a deep and joyful long term relationship. In order to do this we need to set aside shame and humiliation, being willing to be vulnerable with our partners, admitting weakness and simply our humanity.
Recently, many people have helped me see that honesty with the self can often be more important than any other kind of honesty. What are the issues I am willing to continue to work with and embrace as challenges to a happy and successful partnership. Terry Real, who specializing in working with over and covert depression in men, has a philosophy of helping individuals connect with themselves so that they can connect with their partners. This involves a deep journey of honesty with oneself regarding the past. Often times, we live out life in relation to our fears and adaptively use methods of protections that we intuitively and adaptively used to survive as children. These methods turn maladaptive in adulthood. The thing is, we all have them and we are all doing our best to sort life out.
The question is, are you and your partner open to the honesty necessary to dig into the deeper work of repair in order to experience the joyfulness of a deep connection.
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